I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
