you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
