Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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