Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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