so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
