Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
