I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
