I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
