I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
