party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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