we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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