True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
