did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
