either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
