just come out here and I will go home with you...
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
