I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
