After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm too high and old for this...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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