Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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