Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
