I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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