And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
