My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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