I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
