well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
