I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
