I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
