Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
