my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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