1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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