I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I didn't notice because vodka
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
