I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
