I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I will pee on everything he values.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
