I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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