can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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