my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
