I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
