if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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