I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
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