Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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