I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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