It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
