Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Redeem this text for a blowjob
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
We just shotgunned beers for America
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
