OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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