its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
