My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
