the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
