"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
