I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
