I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
