why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
