Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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